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CELEBRATING REMY'S 8TH BIRTHDAY:
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Can you believe it is almost the end of April already?
This is the time of year when I remember so clearly looking out the window of our home in the Beach watching the trees bear their buds and sprouting their lively green leaves gently caressed by the warm nourishing sun. As I looked out and witnessed the magic of nature, I observed and took delight in the blossoming growth of my first baby.
The baby grew and grew and grew. I clearly remember his soft supple body against mine as he nursed for periods of 45 minutes or even longer and then to rest only about 10 minutes before nursing again. It was pure delight to be able to take care of this little body.
In him, I felt intense unconditional love. This little person was my responsibility, my joy and my pride.
Despite living in the midst of such intense gratitude and joy, fear was always in the background trying to protect me from experiences I had endured as a child.
The background tape of "shoulds" and "have to's" and "supposed to's" continue to play in my life. I read parenting books, magazines, got together with other new moms and their babies, I followed the recommendations of the doctors and nurses.
Story of Remy's Birth
I clearly remember going into labour the eve of Remy's due date. My husband was watching the Ottawa Senators in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and I was in the other basement room singing songs and reading over my new baby signing business.
As the intensity of the contractions increased, I kept singing and breathing into the pain. The OB had advised me to not go to the hospital until the pain was absolutely unbearable.
The contractions lengthened and became increasingly stronger and stronger. The breaks between contractions became shorter and shorter. It was unlike any other pain I had ever experienced, but I was determined not to have any painkillers or epidural. Besides, this was a very natural part of childbearing :)
Finally, we decided to call a cab and go to the hospital. It was the most excruciating cab ride in my life! I felt so much pain yet so powerful. I walked all the way up to the delivery ward with my luggage with my husband trailing behind. I was taking the lead.
Triage told me that because it was my first child, it was going to be a much longer wait. The pains were actually so intense that I was getting weak.
An intern checked my dilation, advised the head nurse then apologised to me as they rushed me off to a private delivery room.
Minutes later, Remy literally exploded into this world. The paediatric ward was called for an emergency as there was signs of a traumatic birth. So many people, strangers, professionals from doctors, nurses, people stitching me up to the paediatrician, my husband were all there and then out of there.
My eyes were closed as I held onto my very slimy, warm newborn infant. At that moment my old life had melted away as I suddenly became responsible for the life of another precious human being. It was only the beginning of a new life.
Remy's first birthday was celebrated in the same house with his grandparents, godparents and adoring family. It was a day of celebration! How fast one year went by. He and I were so connected. My identity suddenly became "Remy's mom" instead of Kim.
We moved to a new house in another town when Remy was 18 months. He was a cheerful, social growing boy with a growing vocabulary in Chinese, English and simple ASL. We moved in time to welcome Remy's sister not even two years after his birth on a blizzard winter day at home.
Slipping Away...
Starting around this same time we noticed that Remy started to change.
He gradually stopped talking to my grandmother on the phone. He would look away from strangers instead of engaging them in irresistible smiles. He started to lose words he had learned. He stopped responding to his name.
By the time we moved into our own house, Remy was clearly babbling, staring off into space, laughing into air and disconnected with us.
How could we reach him?
Finding someone to help us took time. When Remy first exhibited these symptoms of disconnect, I suspected autism but was in denial. "It CAN'T be!" I was living in fear and denial. I didn't know how to handle it.
Finally, I came to accept that this was the diagnosis that fit the description of what had taken over Remy. This was months before we actually got an appointment to have an assessment with a developmental paediatrician to give us the official diagnosis of ASD (autism spectrum disorder).
April is Autism Awareness Month
We got the diagnosis a couple of weeks before his third birthday. I'm always in awe when I see all the posts on Facebook parents with children on the spectrum who celebrate their birthdays in the month of April. I'm wondering, is that why April is Autism Awareness Month?
Every year since Remy's third birthday he has a bout with the flu or something that knocks him out all around the time of his birthday. He frequently had red checks and red lips.
This year he seems to just have a lot of mucus in his nose
Finally for his 6th birthday, we actually were able to throw him a birthday party with his Remy's Room volunteers and family. He didn't run away. He even came toward his birthday cake with the candles. His sister helped him to blow out the candles.
For Remy's 7th birthday, I made a video highlighting the potential of this boy. He continues to be my joy, my teacher, my caveat for change.
Every year he is growing. Every year, I'm growing and learning.
It has been quite the journey, and I am so happy to share with you our triumphs.
This is past year since Remy's 7th birthday...
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TRIUMPHS:
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1. Remy started shaking and nodding his head consistently to communicate for agreeing and disagreeing
2. Remy was finally accepted into the IBI program, and started to use PECS and now Proloquo To Go
3. Remy has started to play and be more attentive to his sister and brother
4. Remy has started to kick a ball in the basement to keep occupied
5. Remy has stayed with me while walking (has not run away) this Spring :)
6. Remy has started imitating a lot more... one night when both the younger kids were in bed, I spent a few minutes alone with Remy while putting him to bed. His eyes peered into mine. I smiled. He smiled. I bloated my mouth. He bloated his mouth. I blew a kiss. He blew a kiss. I opened my eyes wide. He opened his eyes wide. I opened my mouth wide. He opened his mouth wide. I stuck out my tongue. He stuck out his tongue. I covered my face with my hands. He covered his face with his hands. I laughed. He laughed!
This was one of the most incredibly present moments I remember. Thank you, Universe!
7. Remy has started playing with his sister doing obstacles (again, the self-initiated imitation!) - his sister makes up circus shows where she leads her brother in a series of "tricks". It's awesome to witness!
8. Remy continues to inspire me to grow!
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CHALLENGES:
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1. Eating and Diet is a constant challenge.
2. Bed wetting
3. Falling asleep at night
4. Hyper activity
5. ripping plastic bags
6. speaking and using language
This birthday, I am grateful for Remy's growth, and I look forward to all new surprises the Universe has in store for us.
Remy is a person with free will. I think the most important lesson he has to teach me that I have yet to fully learn is the power of persistence. We may judge other people's actions, beliefs, values, behaviour, etc., and I can see how people can judge my child's behaviour.
One morning last year I was bringing my daughter to school along with Remy. Remy had an obsession of ripping paper and anything like it. So, along the way to school, he picked up a piece of littered paper towel from the ground and started ripping it intensely as he usually did. Although I told him not to rip, his ripping was so fast as we walked to get to school on time, and the wind was blowing, a neighbour shouted out to us "hey, don't litter!" I totally understand what that scene of the three of us walking all together (my hands were holding both children), that I was allowing my son to rip his own tissue/paper. In my mind, my neighbour must have thought that I had given my son paper to rip and litter (something that I just DO NOT do). It's one of my values not to litter as. It was a very negative feeling of being judged. People thought that I was a litterbug, that I couldn't control my child, that I didn't care about the environment.
The truth is, I love Mother Earth, and to have the feelings that I am disrespectfully nurturing my child to rip and litter on the residential streets leading the school just shrunk me.
I wanted to explain myself and wash myself of the offence -- someone else had littered the tissue/paper towel. My son (who is obsessed with ripping paper) happened to grab it off the street and rapidly ripped letting the shreds fly in the wind. I literally had my hands full holding onto my children for safety (as my older child had a consistent tendency to run away into traffic and danger. Yet, the frame definitely made me look guilty, and I felt condemned.
Then again, those were my feelings. It is a choice. Every time I walk by that neighbour's house, the memory of that experience replays itself, and each time I remind myself of what I could do to reclaim my innocence. But that would be feeling like a victim; so I choose to move forward. True, I was responsible for my children, and I chose to choose the lesser of the stressful situation. The first thing is not to judge myself.
What I love about Remy is his ability to keep doing what he wants. He does not let others stop him from getting what he wants. He pounces on the opportunity and goes for it.
For example, on weekends when I am home with the three kids, it's impossible for me physically be at two places at once. And Remy knows this. He has a strong urgency to eat - whatever. So, on many occasions if I am in the kitchen, he would just grab whatever food (that is acceptable or desirable) he sees and scarfs it down often leaving lots of crumbs or splatters. He does this evening while I am right there! If I am attending to the others, he goes straight into the fridge with such speed, snatches an apple in each hand, bites them and flies out the door before I can catch him.
If I had the focus and speed that he has, imagine what things I can accomplish! He is my inspiration. Thank you, Remy!
Happy Birthday number 8!
