Autism Bites

Do any other parents have a hard time washing their face because of bite bruises or deep scratches from their children?  Well, it seems to be an ongoing thing there.  Luckily, I don't have any job interviews to attend ;)

DH said something today after seeing a prominent new bite mark on my chin (seems like I get a new one every two days or so... some times two or three at a time) that I was his bite toy.  Well, I had not thought of that, but it seemed to be an accurate description.  For me, the little guy doesn't speak, so he expresses himself in much different ways.  Like most young children who have not yet developed the faculty to speak yet, they tend to communicate through crying, whining, hitting, biting, scratching, throwing things - well, Remy does all that and more.  Now, I realize that he can't just go on in life biting people when he feels frustrated, annoyed, excited and afraid.  However, I also believe that when he learns to communicate better, he will bite less and less and eventually (hopefully soon) stop biting.

Now, DH brings up a good point.  Why is Mommy the bite toy and not Daddy?  Well, first of all, I'm the person with whom he has most physical contact.  For a heavy guy, he loves being picked up, piggy backed and rocked like a baby.  It's in these vulnerable times when he has the chance to sink his little sharp teeth and squeeze his jaw together on my face.  I've put much thought into this.  Believe me, I'm reminded every time I try to wash my face, touch my face or see my face in the mirror.  Oh, yes, the raw flesh also stings just like that.  I need to answer this question:  how do I effectively teach Remy to communicate without biting?  I will think about this and write about it by the end of this week.

In the meantime, I remind myself that I am also growing and learning.  I accept myself, and I am grateful of the resilience that I have learned.  Remy is doing the best that he can with what he has, and so am I.  Together we will continue to strive for the sky.

Thank you, my friend, for reading.  I wish you courage and patience to enjoy all the wonderful little hidden treasures of your day!

Aggression or Initiation for Attention?

What is a mother to do when her special needs child pushes her younger child?  What is a mother to do when her physically strong and big child pushes other smaller sized children?  What do you say or do to the pushed?

Remy is a good kid.  He likes laughing, playing, and being loved.  Now the core of autism is the social difficulty.  He's smart, focused and skilled at what he finds is most important in his life.  His difficulty is being around others in an "appropriate" way.

What do I mean?  Well, today was a special day; a mother I had met years ago in Toronto came to our home for a play date.  The mom (we'll call her A Mom) was also going to play with Remy inside his playroom to possibly become a volunteer!  How exciting!  DH told me that I had to make sure to keep Remy away from A Mom's daughter so that he wouldn't be able to push her or pull her hair (things that he does to initiate interest in other children).  I did try, but I wasn't going to pretend that my child was a monster child just ready to attack.

Remy pushed her the first time today before we entered the house.  She cried.  I think she cried not because the pushing hurt, but because someone would push her just out of the blue.  Then in the basement once.  Finally, I heard M Child cry in Remy's Play Room.  She told me that he tried to push her.  Again, it wasn't that she was physically hurt.  It was a social boundary that he had broken, so that was scary.  No one wants to be playing happily one moment only to be pushed by someone else.

My son pushing my younger daughter is one thing (they are siblings), but when it comes to other children, I think that it's best to keep a safe distance from them for now.  This is yet another reason why schooling him at home is more advantageous than sending him to a school where he can be misunderstood and labelled.

So, for me to be able to speak with a child who is pushed (whether it be my child or someone else's child), I think it is important first for me to understand the situation.  Why did Remy push?  Why does anyone push?  Well, different people push for different reasons in different circumstances.  From my perspective, I see that Remy pushes for different reasons at different times.  If I can just step into his position and into his sensory altered world then I may be able to understand more.

First of all, I have to remember that they little guy isn't verbal.  He will communicate in a way that works for him.  However, nonverbal communication can be interpreted differently than it's intended to mean.  For example, M Child probably thought that Remy was just a "bad boy" because he kept following her and tried to push her several times (this is also her perception).  An assumption like this can be very dangerous since once labelled, it's hard to see beyond that.  Suddenly everything that one does will be attributed to being a "bad boy".  This is where it's crucial to have understand parents explain to their children about why pushing took place.  Fortunately, A Mom was very understanding.  She comforted her child while explaining that there was no harmful intent.

I believe that children are very resilient and forgiving.  M Child waved to us as her mother drove off our driveway.  Will she want to come back again to play?  I think that she would, but as long as she felt safe.  This is a lesson, I must learn from.  How do I prepare to effectively decrease the chances of Remy pushing/biting someone or from people misunderstanding his seemingly aggressive behaviours?

If you have any suggestions, please do leave me your comment!  I will be thinking of this, and will update my thoughts about how to manage aggressive behaviours while amongst other people.

Thank you for your time and interest in Remy's Room.
Have a great and wonderful day!

Reminder of the Importance of Relief

DH left with our daughter Saturday morning and didn't return until supper time Sunday.  During this time, I was joyfully expecting my sister to come over to sleep over and play with Remy.  Unfortunately, she was not feeling well.  And because she wasn't able to make it, my mother asked if she had to still come.  Of course I didn't want to inconvenience anyone.  Besides, I'm the boy's mother, and he's ALWAYS with me (with exception of my  time being away in Sheffield).  So, suddenly it was just truly him and me with no relief.

These days, DH normally does to work in the morning, comes home for about a couple of hours at supper time then goes back to the office until bedtime (whenever that is).  Although, it seems to be just two hours, I am super busy at this time, cleaning and preparing the next day's meals, etc.

Saturday was interesting.  Although I've got latches and locks on most doors now, if there is an opportunity for Remy, he will cease it!  Many people might just say, "if you don't want him to do this, you should never leave him alone."  Well, yes... if this is humanly possible, it might work.  Distractions do come up like telephone calls (which most of the time I'm good to let go to voice mail if I just can't take the call), need to use the toilet or make the guy something to eat.  He is the most IMPATIENT person for waiting for food to be prepared before eating.  So much so that he bites and pinch-scratches me in the neck.  I am grateful that he is  expressing himself.  I am glad that he is showing his emotions, bringing them inside out.

I don't even recall most of what took place Saturday... I'm just catching up now.  It probably involved cleaning up urine, trying to dress him, going out for long wagon walks and laundry.  I just remember that by 11:00PM, Remy was finally a getting a little quiet lying down beside me in bed with his eyes looking droopy.  I was intensely tired, but needed to do a few things to prepare for the next day, so had to stay awake longer.  

Sunday, we managed to make some raw apple cinnamon bread.  And, we went out for more walks.  He just rides and requires me to pull him.  I was very grateful of the weather to allow us the pleasure of walking without snow.  But by mid morning, the seed of a headache had planted itself.  By the time DH came home with Remy's little sister, I just pulled out two frozen pizzas.  Thank goodness for Amy's No Cheese pizzas with 83% organic ingredients!  who am I kidding?  It was junk food, wasn't it?  Alas, it's not something I do all the time.  I was beat, and the family still had to eat (Remy didn't eat it because of the gluten and agave nectar).

What a wonderful unique experience!  I spent the whole weekend alone with my little guy without any relief, and this has led me to really appreciate the two hours a day that I get (actually, it's about 1 hour, if you don't count the eating and serving part) without having to tend to a child.  It's absolutely dizzying!  So, I know that in order to be optimal, I must have at least an hour to myself each day.

I hope that you find time for yourself too.  Enjoy your beautiful day!

A Nice Warm Break

The last few days have been a little more challenging, using up more of my energy and time than usual. Definitely, I had to recharge my batteries a bit.

It was a nice warm day today, so we ceased the opportunity to take a walk and three wagon rides. How amazing it was to see the meditative state Remy was in while riding in the wagon.

We dropped off his sister and went for a little walk before heading home. When we arrived home, he decided to go into the wagon. I pulled him for several blocks then went home to make a tomato soup. He ate as I chopped the veggies, and kept looking at me to give him the soup before it was ready. He said "loop! loop!" (for "soup") so I gave him some again and again. After lunch, we went out for yet another wagon ride for several blocks. We returned home for a washroom break then out again for a ride around the block before taking the car for a little shopping excursion. He was calm and stayed holding my hand throughout all shopping!

While I was pulling him on the wagon, I observed. He was calm, quiet and peaceful just looking out at the trees, houses, birds... of course I'm just guessing because those were the things I looked at. Remy needs constant motion in order to have some calmness. So, while he's in motion feeling the bumps on the pavement and the wind against his face, it seems to me that he does not have to move about (as he does all the time). How can I incorporate this into our daily lives? How do I help to feel the calmness that he needs in order to concentrate on learning?

I really think that the wagon ride did him wonders today. Sometimes it's necessary to take a break from our home program. I want to be in the playroom when I'm clear, and it was an excellent opportunity to get out and just let the calm wind caress our spirits reminding us of peace and tranquility.

Also, I'm happy to announce that there was NO free peeing incidents nor any stripping incidents today :)

Now it's the weekend... hope to find some time to do some necessary prep work for the week ahead.

Thank you again for reading. Make yourselves a wonderful weekend!

Video Update on Peeing Freely

hands not free... see video, please!

Have a great day!

The Start

This was copied from our first website for Remy's Room.

The Start

posted Oct 15, 2009 10:59 AM by A L   [ updated Dec 20, 2010 10:59 AM ]

Hi.  Remy's Dad here.  I'm starting this web site tonight. Stay tuned for more info. I am going to do something about a play therapy room soon. Happy holidays. AL

Remy's Room... Complete!

This was previously posted by AL in our first Remy's Room site.

Remy's Room.........COMPLETE!

posted Jan 23, 2011 7:45 PM by A L

Well, I managed to get the room completed.   We tried to follow the Option Institute's suggestions on what to do.   Despite protests/warning from flooring specialists, I found  someone at Home Depot to give me some advice and I installed vinyl right  over Remy's old play mats.  If it breaks, it breaks.  It's not meant to be a  permanent floor.  So far, so good.  It's still there and it's lots of fun to slide on.   It was the first time I installed flooring, so if it gets wrecked, I'll do a better job next time. I purchased a double sided mirror and I found a local handyman  named Shawn to install it in the door.  I was going to attempt it,  but the door is hollow, so I was a bit worried that I would wreck it.   Shawn did an awesome job, and he charged me very little for the work.  If anyone out there needs a handyman, just let me know.   I'd recommend him highly. So, with that done, some patching of holes, minor priming, touch  up paint, put our biggest mirror up, remove closet doors, install  a second shelf, and run a wireless webcam, Remy's Room is  finally complete.  Kim and I feel awesome that we have moved forward with the program.   -Remy's Dad Alex

Peeing freely unclothed

I was in for quite a lot of urine today, so much so that I decided to not go back into the Play Room (PR) in the afternoon.

Let me explain.  About a couple of weeks ago, Remy started taking off his clothes in the PR.  At first he was just testing the waters to see how he liked it.  I'm not quite sure what triggered him to strip off all his clothes.  He started first with the socks.  It's not unusual that he would take his socks off several times a day especially if they got wet, but this time he continued with the shirt and then his bottoms.  He ran around and laughed in glee for about the rest of the afternoon.

Now, I've read about other children who have this issue of just stripping and streaking in public, but this is something new.  It doesn't bother me except that his nakedness comes with intentional peeing OUTSIDE of the toilet or potty!  I really don't mind if he pees - I just clean up right away with as little reaction as I can give.  I'm calm inside, but act quickly as I don't want the urine to seep through the seams of the floor.  However, as I was cleaning up one mess, another would greet me minutes later.  It was almost like a sort of dance that Remy wanted me to do with the wiping of the floor, back and forth to the bathroom, wiping and repositioning the trampoline... then I thought that I would just bring a potty into the room with us.  Well, he just pushed it away when he was trying to pee freely on the floor.  I took it was he didn't need to go since he had just gone to the toilet, but as soon as I put the potty down with my back turned to him, he whizzed right in the area where there were the most seams as well as over the swing cushion.

As you can imagine by now, I was getting a little frustrated and even dumbfounded.  Where in the world was he getting all this pee from???  It was an endless supply!  By this time, it was already 11:27 AM, so I decided to regroup with myself and go prepare him some lunch.

As I prepared lunch, I let him play in the PR naked.  I had tried several times with excitement to have him wear his clothes again, but again it was like a game for him.  I'd come over on my knees one way with the underwear, he'd run off in another direction.  Then he'd also take the underwear and throw it.  Well, he wasn't hurting anyone, so I let him be... at least until I had his lunch ready.

I managed to get him to get dressed before he started eating.  I explained, "Eat.  You want to eat?  Okay, we have to get dressed before we eat."  He ate well at lunch.  The guy has such an incredibly large appetite, he eats so fast I can hardly keep up sometimes (but that's another topic).  But as soon as he was done, he was off... and I think I was still finishing my meal.  Of course I had to wash everything up so that I could get the next meal in order.

After cleaning the kitchen, there was of course - you guessed it - more urine to clean up!  I need to do something that will make playing in the PR more easy.

Okay, so I'm going to do a self talk directly on this blog post.  I typically ask myself questions to lead me to solutions.  Here goes:

What seems to be the problem?
I'm a little baffled as what I should do about Remy peeing freely everywhere.  I think he's peeing freely because he's naked.  I think he wants to be naked for sensory issues.

What bothers you about his nakedness?
It seems to be a trigger for him to pee somewhere other than the toilet.

What bothers you about him peeing outside of the toilet?
It cuts into my quality time of playing with him since I have to clean up and interrupt our interaction.  Sometimes I also raise my voice, and I don't want to light up like a Christmas tree.

How could you reduce the amount of time cleaning up?
Well, I could make sure that all doors are closed in the mornings and afternoons when we're doing our Son-Rise Program.  So, I must have the linen closet locked, his sister's room locked (since he loves peeing in her bed), the kitchen and the gate must be shut.  I may also have to install a lock for his bedroom door.  This just leaves him open access to the bathroom (another topic for another time) and his PR.  And in the PR, I have to make sure that the floor is as empty as it can be.  I'll have to also make sure that there is a rag or two ready for clean up.  I'll keep the potty in the room to encourage him to use it.

How could you make it fun for him to WANT to wear his clothes?
Well, right now it seems to be quite difficult to motivate him to clothe himself again.  The two things that work are:  "okay, we're going to eat" and "we're going outside".  I'll have to come up with something else... he really likes teapots, but I don't want to "bribe" him.  I want him to be motivated not reinforced.

Why do you think he likes to be bare skinned?


Do you feel ready to go back into the PR tomorrow?
I'm tired, but I think that I will be.

How will you make it work better for both of your?
I'll lock doors, keep floor empty in PR, keep rags and potty in the PR.  I'll get some clothes for dress up.  I'll have to get up early tomorrow to do this.

What about meal preparation and eating?
It may be a good idea to install a lock on the inside of the kitchen so that I can keep him in there with me while I prepare meals.  Perhaps I could encourage him to wear clothes and help me cook.  I could also bring in a doodle pad for him to use on the kitchen table as I prep.  Also, I need to prepare as much as possible in the morning or evening.  As for clean up, I'll have to clean up as quickly as possible.  So, I should also have my salad prepared in the morning so that he doesn't finish eating before I do.

Go get some rest now.  Tomorrow is another day!