How to Effectively Teach Communication without Biting

I asked myself this question in my previous post:  how do I effectively teach Remy to communicate without biting?  In order for me to answer this question, I had to pose some other questions.  These questions are in no particular order (they just came to me in this way).

1.  When does Remy bite?  
He bites when I don't give him what he wants immediately like rice when it's still cooking (frustration, impatience).  He bites when he's giggling and his teeth are near my face, hands, legs and feet (having fun - probably sensory rooted).  He bites when I'm busy doing something (getting attention).

2.  Why is Remy biting me and not others?
DH says that Remy holds back from biting (or grabbing or scratching) him although Remy is quite frustrated.  Yet with his Remy frustration, Remy could just come to me and attack me.  Well, this is something I could celebrate.  I believe that he's most comfortable with his mother that he can express himself without holding back.  I am grateful that my son can show his feelings to me.  Now on the down side of this, bites hurt.

3.  What can I celebrate about his biting?  
I can celebrate that he is expressing himself, protecting his space and not being passive and indifferent to his environment.

4.  Why does Remy bite?
It could be sensory based.  Even when he doesn't bite people, he bites, mouths and chews things (this is a topic for another post), so it might be a feeling that he gets that he wants.  It's expressing frustration, impatience and excitement (my opinion).  He may also bite out of fear.

5.  What other things can I allow Remy to bite?
I've bought him bite toys, but he seems to like things that are not designated for non toxic biting.  But, I could consistently give him certain bite toys when he bites me.  He is also allowed to bite clothing, food and toys.

6.  What strategies have others suggested?  How do I feel about them?
One consultant suggested to give him a bite toy and always direct his biting to it.  He said to make sure that the toys are sterilized (but I'm not sure this is all that easy or important - my face isn't sterile).  Another suggestion was to get really mad, yell and tell him not to bite.  This idea doesn't align with my beliefs.  Another suggestion is to make no reaction (opposite of blowing up on the kid), but tell him and believe that he understands.

7.  What have I done in the past that have worked for Remy to bite less?
I've created space, less opportunity for him to get spatially bite me.  So this means to pick him up less and have less physical contact.  This is a little challenging as he really seeks deep pressure, and loves squeezes and hugs.  I've also anticipated bites and told him no, and remove my hand or foot away from his mouth.

8.  What action plan will I apply to help Remy communicate without biting?
I must maintain an attitude that my child is doing the best that he can.  I am grateful that he is most comfortable with me to express his feelings (even through biting).  I must keep us safe.  If he has already gotten a bite of me, I should fold gently into (not away since this might result in ripping) the bite, and react dully.  If he is frustrated or impatient, I should direct his attention to a drawing board, a book or another activity that will help him wait.  If he is really worked up, I might have to send him to another room or go to another room myself.  If he is biting out of fun, I shall give direct him to bite something else and perhaps massaging his jaw for some oral stimulation.

As I learn more from my observations, I will update my strategies.

Please share with me your comments or suggestions.

Have a magnificent rest of the weekend!

Autism Bites

Do any other parents have a hard time washing their face because of bite bruises or deep scratches from their children?  Well, it seems to be an ongoing thing there.  Luckily, I don't have any job interviews to attend ;)

DH said something today after seeing a prominent new bite mark on my chin (seems like I get a new one every two days or so... some times two or three at a time) that I was his bite toy.  Well, I had not thought of that, but it seemed to be an accurate description.  For me, the little guy doesn't speak, so he expresses himself in much different ways.  Like most young children who have not yet developed the faculty to speak yet, they tend to communicate through crying, whining, hitting, biting, scratching, throwing things - well, Remy does all that and more.  Now, I realize that he can't just go on in life biting people when he feels frustrated, annoyed, excited and afraid.  However, I also believe that when he learns to communicate better, he will bite less and less and eventually (hopefully soon) stop biting.

Now, DH brings up a good point.  Why is Mommy the bite toy and not Daddy?  Well, first of all, I'm the person with whom he has most physical contact.  For a heavy guy, he loves being picked up, piggy backed and rocked like a baby.  It's in these vulnerable times when he has the chance to sink his little sharp teeth and squeeze his jaw together on my face.  I've put much thought into this.  Believe me, I'm reminded every time I try to wash my face, touch my face or see my face in the mirror.  Oh, yes, the raw flesh also stings just like that.  I need to answer this question:  how do I effectively teach Remy to communicate without biting?  I will think about this and write about it by the end of this week.

In the meantime, I remind myself that I am also growing and learning.  I accept myself, and I am grateful of the resilience that I have learned.  Remy is doing the best that he can with what he has, and so am I.  Together we will continue to strive for the sky.

Thank you, my friend, for reading.  I wish you courage and patience to enjoy all the wonderful little hidden treasures of your day!

Aggression or Initiation for Attention?

What is a mother to do when her special needs child pushes her younger child?  What is a mother to do when her physically strong and big child pushes other smaller sized children?  What do you say or do to the pushed?

Remy is a good kid.  He likes laughing, playing, and being loved.  Now the core of autism is the social difficulty.  He's smart, focused and skilled at what he finds is most important in his life.  His difficulty is being around others in an "appropriate" way.

What do I mean?  Well, today was a special day; a mother I had met years ago in Toronto came to our home for a play date.  The mom (we'll call her A Mom) was also going to play with Remy inside his playroom to possibly become a volunteer!  How exciting!  DH told me that I had to make sure to keep Remy away from A Mom's daughter so that he wouldn't be able to push her or pull her hair (things that he does to initiate interest in other children).  I did try, but I wasn't going to pretend that my child was a monster child just ready to attack.

Remy pushed her the first time today before we entered the house.  She cried.  I think she cried not because the pushing hurt, but because someone would push her just out of the blue.  Then in the basement once.  Finally, I heard M Child cry in Remy's Play Room.  She told me that he tried to push her.  Again, it wasn't that she was physically hurt.  It was a social boundary that he had broken, so that was scary.  No one wants to be playing happily one moment only to be pushed by someone else.

My son pushing my younger daughter is one thing (they are siblings), but when it comes to other children, I think that it's best to keep a safe distance from them for now.  This is yet another reason why schooling him at home is more advantageous than sending him to a school where he can be misunderstood and labelled.

So, for me to be able to speak with a child who is pushed (whether it be my child or someone else's child), I think it is important first for me to understand the situation.  Why did Remy push?  Why does anyone push?  Well, different people push for different reasons in different circumstances.  From my perspective, I see that Remy pushes for different reasons at different times.  If I can just step into his position and into his sensory altered world then I may be able to understand more.

First of all, I have to remember that they little guy isn't verbal.  He will communicate in a way that works for him.  However, nonverbal communication can be interpreted differently than it's intended to mean.  For example, M Child probably thought that Remy was just a "bad boy" because he kept following her and tried to push her several times (this is also her perception).  An assumption like this can be very dangerous since once labelled, it's hard to see beyond that.  Suddenly everything that one does will be attributed to being a "bad boy".  This is where it's crucial to have understand parents explain to their children about why pushing took place.  Fortunately, A Mom was very understanding.  She comforted her child while explaining that there was no harmful intent.

I believe that children are very resilient and forgiving.  M Child waved to us as her mother drove off our driveway.  Will she want to come back again to play?  I think that she would, but as long as she felt safe.  This is a lesson, I must learn from.  How do I prepare to effectively decrease the chances of Remy pushing/biting someone or from people misunderstanding his seemingly aggressive behaviours?

If you have any suggestions, please do leave me your comment!  I will be thinking of this, and will update my thoughts about how to manage aggressive behaviours while amongst other people.

Thank you for your time and interest in Remy's Room.
Have a great and wonderful day!