Aggression or Initiation for Attention?

What is a mother to do when her special needs child pushes her younger child?  What is a mother to do when her physically strong and big child pushes other smaller sized children?  What do you say or do to the pushed?

Remy is a good kid.  He likes laughing, playing, and being loved.  Now the core of autism is the social difficulty.  He's smart, focused and skilled at what he finds is most important in his life.  His difficulty is being around others in an "appropriate" way.

What do I mean?  Well, today was a special day; a mother I had met years ago in Toronto came to our home for a play date.  The mom (we'll call her A Mom) was also going to play with Remy inside his playroom to possibly become a volunteer!  How exciting!  DH told me that I had to make sure to keep Remy away from A Mom's daughter so that he wouldn't be able to push her or pull her hair (things that he does to initiate interest in other children).  I did try, but I wasn't going to pretend that my child was a monster child just ready to attack.

Remy pushed her the first time today before we entered the house.  She cried.  I think she cried not because the pushing hurt, but because someone would push her just out of the blue.  Then in the basement once.  Finally, I heard M Child cry in Remy's Play Room.  She told me that he tried to push her.  Again, it wasn't that she was physically hurt.  It was a social boundary that he had broken, so that was scary.  No one wants to be playing happily one moment only to be pushed by someone else.

My son pushing my younger daughter is one thing (they are siblings), but when it comes to other children, I think that it's best to keep a safe distance from them for now.  This is yet another reason why schooling him at home is more advantageous than sending him to a school where he can be misunderstood and labelled.

So, for me to be able to speak with a child who is pushed (whether it be my child or someone else's child), I think it is important first for me to understand the situation.  Why did Remy push?  Why does anyone push?  Well, different people push for different reasons in different circumstances.  From my perspective, I see that Remy pushes for different reasons at different times.  If I can just step into his position and into his sensory altered world then I may be able to understand more.

First of all, I have to remember that they little guy isn't verbal.  He will communicate in a way that works for him.  However, nonverbal communication can be interpreted differently than it's intended to mean.  For example, M Child probably thought that Remy was just a "bad boy" because he kept following her and tried to push her several times (this is also her perception).  An assumption like this can be very dangerous since once labelled, it's hard to see beyond that.  Suddenly everything that one does will be attributed to being a "bad boy".  This is where it's crucial to have understand parents explain to their children about why pushing took place.  Fortunately, A Mom was very understanding.  She comforted her child while explaining that there was no harmful intent.

I believe that children are very resilient and forgiving.  M Child waved to us as her mother drove off our driveway.  Will she want to come back again to play?  I think that she would, but as long as she felt safe.  This is a lesson, I must learn from.  How do I prepare to effectively decrease the chances of Remy pushing/biting someone or from people misunderstanding his seemingly aggressive behaviours?

If you have any suggestions, please do leave me your comment!  I will be thinking of this, and will update my thoughts about how to manage aggressive behaviours while amongst other people.

Thank you for your time and interest in Remy's Room.
Have a great and wonderful day!