“You need to control him!”
said a woman sternly at me a thrift store this weekend when I took Remy to go look at some comforters.
Remy relies on prompting for him to use the toilet. He does things that people don’t understand, including myself. For example, he seems to blow endlessly with vigour at this fingertips, shake and flap his hands wildly, make loud vowels sounds, look crossed in seemingly insignificant places, look sharply into people’s faces at a very uncomfortable close proximity, throw himself onto the ground or floor in public and private places, spit on his hand and smear it on himself, tip his body from from foot to the other, eats so fast that if you turn your back for a few seconds, most or even the whole plate of food meal would already be downed, bounces water whenever he finds the change…
Well, this one day, on his birthday, we went to a thrift store to look at comforters. Because his comforters are washed so frequently whenever he pees through this bedding, having a new used comforter would be a good idea. There were a lot of people at the store. One particular lady had two carts. When she saw that we wanted to get through to see the bedding, she apologised and let us through.
“No worries,” I replied with a smile. I proceeded to look at the hanging comforters. Within seconds, I heard the lady exclaim, “That’s NOT nice!” I turned to see what the matter was. Remy had thrown himself onto the floor.
“What happened?” I asked.
“That’s not nice! You shouldn’t cough in people’s faces. And you,” looking at me, “are supposed to control him.” With that she gave us a frown and accusing eyes and left the bedding area with her two full carts. As she left, she exclaimed to other shoppers that Remy should not cough in people’s faces and that I should control him.
Naturally, I apologised. I sincerely, did not see what had transpired in those few seconds I had my hands and eyes on comforters.
So, I took Remy by the hands and walked to find my sisters. There were a lot of shoppers, and Remy moved at a rapid forward pace. We came across the lady again, and I approached her with another apology.
“Mam, I’m really sorry about earlier…”
She saw us and immediately her hands reached to push her carts away. “I know what this is. I am a foster mom, and I have seen people with special needs, but I control them.” With that she wheeled her carts away.
What did that encounter mean? Did she accept my apology? Well, throughout the whole thing, she seemed to have two messages:
- Don’t cough in people’s faces (I totally agree with that)
- You have to control him
As I thought about it, the situation was open ended. There is no meaning except for the meaning I assign to anything. So, let me ask a helpful question. How can this encounter help me in future? How can I act with more wisdom in light of experience?
- Avoid places full of people unless it’s worth it (maybe a wedding or family gathering)
- Hold Remy’s hands criss crossing. So, if he is standing to my left, I would hold his left hand with my left hand in the handshake position.
- I cannot control anyone other than myself. Think about this one. Can you control someone else to eat, think, sleep, drink, talk, blink, breathe, pee, etc? It’s not even an arguable one for me. What I can do is train and influence others, but I cannot control. Why? Everyone is born with free will.
That’s it. As the woman stormed away for the second time, I thanked her… for being a foster mom. Then I thought about it. What in the world did she mean by she controlled her foster kids with special needs? There is no way she could do that. Perhaps what she meant was that she somehow trained them to do what she wanted.
I just wanted her to have a good day, and not to let something such as a boy with special needs coughing in her face to ruin her whole day. In fact, no one can ruin anyone’s day except oneself. What was her interpretation of the situation? I don’t know.
What would you do if someone with cognitive impairment coughed in your face? If you were a parent or caregiver of someone, how could you teach/train your special person how to cough?
I can’t even count how many times I have told, reminded Remy not to blow when other people are around. It could be ten time within a minute. I have been frustrated, and I have been patient… but it still happens. I believe that my child knows and does what is best for him (at the time). I believe that his behaviours have a functional purpose.
It’s an art to go about in my day with mystery. But the trick is to appreciate. Appreciate what is. In the presence of appreciation, fear, worry and anger disappear. Appreciate.
Thank you,
Kim
